Random faults and no ODB connection

[kernomadz]

I’m really hoping someone has some insight into my brand new problem
This morning I tried to start the van (mk8 2014 xlwb) after only 2 weeks parked up. All switched on, pinged the “engine service now” noise, then pinged several times and threw up “replace oil immediately” so I went to work, came back to try again, but then it said “immobiliser malfunction” and now it says “service brake system” ?!
To top it off, the ODB reader powers on but won’t register the van at all?!
It was ok before this, and all I’ve done is take the sidelights off with the trim ready for paint.
The batteries are 12.8v and 12.7v.
It’s doing my head in